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for Friday, Aug. 22, 2008

This Week in 2011

THE WHITE HOUSE went into a brief news blackout after its announcement about an alien visitation or abduction. Around the country, hundreds of claims of visitations surfaced, with numerous people reporting contact. All of them were false, according to Jerome Cayce, the now former White House executive chef who was involved in the situation, who was given a $14 million book advance from Harper Collins and a security detail by the Secret Service. He said that the visitors had been clear that there would be no contact with anyone but those originally involved. His book would focus on the relationship between sex and climate change. A posse of Senate Republicans called for a declaration of war against the visitors, on the grounds that they had taken the commander in chief and his family hostage. An Air Force general, Joseph Ashy Jr. of the United States Space Command, testified before the Armed Services Committee, stating his belief that we could defeat them. Compersion sects sprung up in United States cities including Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Minneapolis and New York. Former members of the Kerista Community, where the concept was developed in the 1970s, said that they had come up with the word from anywhere but their own conversations and experiences, and that space visitors had not, to their knowledge, been involved.

for Friday, Aug. 15, 2008

This Week in 2011

THE WHITE HOUSE announced that it had been visited by extraterrestrials at an unspecified time during the first week of July. The President, the First Lady, executive chef Jerome Cayce, a staff paramedic and several other staff members were involved in a situation that initially developed in the family kitchen on the second floor. There were no reported visual sightings of a spacecraft near the White House or over Washington. It was classified by the Air Force as an abduction because all of the individuals involved reported finding themselves in another location, though it was not known where. No one was injured, and though everyone remembered the dialog with remarkable precision, nobody could describe what the extraterrestrials looked like because their visual memory had been screened out.

The content of the conversation involved climate change, a strategy for nuclear disarmament, and an emotion called compersion. The event, which had been kept quiet for more than a month at the behest of national security officials, was publicized in a press conference when Cayce, the executive chef, violated a security directive and went to Bob Woodward at The Washington Post with the story. "I had nothing to lose," he said in an interview. "I was not concerned about my life. They gave us some very helpful information that several generals wanted to hide because it would kill their budgets." Cayce said that he was not given a definition for compersion, but the feeling was related to everyone involved empathically, with the knowledge that it was the emotion underlying world peace. The word was not found in any dictionary, but its basic meaning was located through an Internet search.

Woodward and The Post agreed to hold the story for 72 hours while the White House press team prepared a statement. It read simply, "The President, the First Lady and several members of the White House staff were visited and later abducted for several hours by extraterrestrials of a kind not previously known to scientists. The content of the discussion is not being disclosed at this time, though all parties interviewed by Air Force specialists said they did not feel the contact was hostile in nature." In its coverage, The Post reported that the Air Force had kept secret "hundreds of carefully documented contacts between humans and extraterrestrials that occurred between 1946 and December 2010."

for Friday, Aug. 8, 2008

This Week in 2011

MARS SWEPT into the cardinal T-square, aspecting the Aries Point and entering the sign Cancer. Prisoners at federal penitentiaries across the country waged a hunger strike aimed at stopping use of genetically modified food in their facilities. Prison authorities were stumped as to how the action was coordinated. It turned out that members of the Gambino crime family scattered throughout the federal system coordinated the effort through use of private Internet connections installed in the cells of its high-level prisoners. In other news, Canadian and American border police had a 16-hour standoff at the Peace Bridge after a student from SUNY Buffalo, driving a 1960 Rambler Classic with the original paint, objected to his vehicle being searched. He was discovered to be in possession of five cases of Molson ale.

for Friday, Aug. 1, 2008

This Week in 2011

U.S. Rep. Madalyn Wu (Green Party, DE) was back in the news as Congress passed a resolution censuring her for inappropriate conduct. In early June, an erotic video of Wu and her lesbian partner had been released to the Internet and, several weeks later, widely broadcast around the world. This was part of an elaborate political prank, a decade in the making, organized and funded by an anonymous group of some of the world's most influential lesbians. The resolution to censure passed House of Representatives by three votes. The video mostly consisted of Wu and her partner, Bertha Bass, masturbating face to face, though toward the end, also having sex for what they claimed was the first time. It broke all records on YouTube, getting 100 million clicks the first month. Wu appeared on Larry King Live and called for the recognition of self-sexuality as a sexual orientation. At the annual meeting of the Southern Baptist Convention in Dallas, the membership was divided over whether Wu's conduct constituted a form of perversion or a legitimate expression of abstinence. "At least the question is out in the open," Wu said, "but it's not exactly news." King reminded her that her campaign and subsequent election to Congress had been a setup for the prank, and he asked if this constituted an abuse of the political process. "Why don't you ask that of closeted gay people who get elected in order to ban gay marriage?" she replied.

for Friday, July 25, 2008

This Week in 2011

THE FEDERAL GARDEN TAX was killed in the House Committee on Agriculture, as hundreds of thousands of farmers with small to moderately-sized operations marched and drove tractors on the mall in Washington, DC. The garden tax would have required any food-bearing plant in a private residence or its grounds to be tagged with a tax label costing one dollar. Farmers, for their part, were protesting diesel fuel costs at $12 per gallon as Exxon-Mobil was raking in $26.7 million per hour in profits and crude oil soared to $210 per barrel. Pentagon documents released by an anonymous source suggested strongly that the US occupation of Iraq was designed to disrupt oil production in that country in an effort to drive prices up. Iraq was found in a 2010 study to have 14 times the oil reserves of Saudi Arabia, which remain mostly untapped due to decades of war and occupation.

for Friday, July 18, 2008

This Week in 2011

AS CERES walked over the Aries Point, a national survey indicated that 61% of Americans were growing home gardens. Even a majority of apartment dwellers in New York City were growing easy garden crops like herbs and tomatoes on their terraces and in window boxes. A bipartisan coalition in Congress proposed a garden tax, claiming it was designed to replace lost revenue to the government, as pharmaceutical companies lobbied for a ban on medicinal plants.

for Friday, July 11, 2008

This Week in 2011

WITH VENUS sweeping through the Saturn-Uranus-Pluto T-square, Madalyn Wu, the congressional representative from Delaware, reveals the identity of her partner as Bertha Bass, a Nicaraguan folk singer. In a statement on their website, the pair says that the recently-distributed (and after weeks of controversy, aired on TV news) holographic video was a document of the first and only time the couple had sex, though they had been together six years. "It was a choice we made early on," Wu said. "When the subject of sex arose, we both admitted we preferred masturbation, so for as long as we've known one another, that's what we've done." The leader of the Southern Baptist Conference said that the couple exemplified the more than 30-year-old "abstinence only" movement. Congress, meanwhile, was swept into turmoil with calls for Wu's resignation, and a national grassroots campaign coalesced among various Queer movements to nominate her for president in the 2012 election.

for Friday, July 4, 2008

This Week in 2011

As Venus in Gemini squares Ceres in the last degree of Pisces, a prominent 31-year-old U.S. Representative from the state of Delaware comes out of the closet as a lesbian, releasing an 11-minute video tape of herself and her 28-year-old lover having sex. The video would make intergalactic news, were there such a thing. Global networks are seized by the story, but thrown into editorial chaos as a result of uncertainty over what to do with the film. It races through the Internet in DblHidef (an early experiment in broadcast holography), while the news channels refuse to air the footage. Finally MSNBC breaks what is later called the sex barrier, in the person of its anchor, K O, who after a three-week stalemate orders the tape played in full on the 11 o'clock broadcast. All the other networks follow suit, making it impossible for the FCC to take regulatory action against any of them. It is later discovered that her entire congressional campaign, though legitimate and resulting in an actual seat in congress, was orchestrated as a publicity stunt eight years in the making by the Lesbian Lust Front, an underground network of some of the world's most powerful lesbians. Previously unknown to the public, they announce their existence with this event. Members are listed on the organization's website by code name and job title only, such as "Jodi, CEO of Fortune 500 company."

for Friday, June 27, 2008

This Week in 2011

THE SUN is about to sweep through the cardinal T-square of Saturn (in Libra), Uranus (in Aries) and Pluto (in Capricorn), likely setting off another wave of protests over fuel and food prices. Anyone wondering why people are suddenly waking up need look no further than this triple alignment, particularly the long-term aspect Uranus square Pluto. The square is still building in intensity; we have not seen anything yet. This week's protests are directed at children's issues, with parents seeming to have recently noticed that in the midst of so many changes, we need to be thinking about their future as well as our own. Liquor and beer manufacturers clashed with producers of food products during congressional hearings, with both demanding access to grain. The number of domestic vegetable gardens has tripled in the past year, and community gardens have sprung up in dozens of American cities. A coalition of fundamentalist Christian organizations harpooned a congressional proposal to create a federal garden tax, but lawmakers promised they would be back with the plan again next year.

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