Aries New Moon Called Off
Dear Friend and Reader:
In an extraordinary step, the Masters of the Universe have canceled Sunday's Aries New Moon. "It seems like a big deal to you, but it's pretty much nothing for us. We took a look at the front page of The New York Times
and thought the better of it," said one of the Masters, who with his colleagues has presided over the Earth for the past 6,500 years.
Artists's impression of the Aries New Moon that almost happened Sunday, but was canceled due to danger.
"Frankly, it was a really bad idea to schedule this New Moon for right now," the Master continued, speaking on the condition of anonymity. He said he had consulted his longtime personal astrologer, Flo Higgins
of Rumson, N.J., before making the decision. He added, "We thought you would have some fun with it, but obviously not the way things are going now. What a mess."
The potentially dangerous combination of influences involves a New Moon combined with the Jupiter-Saturn opposition, at the same time that Mars is exactly conjunct Uranus right on the Aries Point. "That's just buggered, especially with those Japanese nuclear power plants and a few thousand tons of spent fuel still on the brink of turning to plutonium soup," he added.
"Plus, Mercury is retrograde," Flo Higgins said.
A spokesperson for ascended master Sanat Kumara, reached on the outskirts of Shamballa where he was recreating with the Lords of Karma, said yesterday that, "It would have been a fantastic opportunity if you guys had a faint clue how to hang loose. We've never seen people so freaked out, and this is the 14th time we've observed the evolution of humanity. I know you're thinking, 'the world is so messed up, how can I relax?', but consider this. You're not going to make any progress till you have your wits about you. Half of you don't even know you're alive."
"New Moon called off. Party at my house," tweeted Jonathan Cainer of York, England.
Sources close to the decision noted that currently there are a number of people on Earth who are trying to destroy the planet who would not have responded well to the New Moon, despite the fact that it was supposed to be conjunct Jupiter. The polarization of the Jupiter-Saturn opposition -- the two largest planets opposite one another, with the Earth in the middle -- plus Mars and Uranus lining up, was clearly a recipe for planetary psychosis.
Short on leads for this article, last night I went on a reporting mission to Club 55 on K Street in Washington, DC., looking for my friend Marvin, who is an energy lobbyist. The last time I was there, he gave me an earful about why we need to get rid of daylight savings time, just to waste more oil.
Before I could find Marvin, who I don't really like anyway, a dancer I know named Tanya saw me as I came in through the door. She walked over and whispered in my ear, "Majeston." Then she winked, kissed me on the cheek and strutted away, swaying her hips tantalizingly.
Of course! I knew he was a professor of astrology at the College of Uversa, a nonphysical academy that prepares souls to be astrologers as they pass through the 7th dimension. He said that during the past week he had assisted with the decision as a consultant and was familiar with the issues that were considered.
"We had to spring this on you fast, but actually, it fits with the astrology," Majeston said. "With Mars conjunct Uranus, you know something a little different was going to happen on fairly short order. Doesn't anybody actually read these charts?"
Majeston added that despite suspending the New Moon, normal evolutionary processes would continue at least through June 2012, when the Masters would assess whether anyone was getting the benefits of the current planetary alignments. "We thought you would all be having a lot more fun by now. We thought you would get bored of people who spend all their time trying to jerk you around with fear," he added. "In short, we were pretty sure that by now most of you would have a clue."
"Seems like the only place anyone knows how to have a good time is in Madison, Wisconsin -- or Thailand," he added. I took notes feverishly as Majeston went on.
This does not help. Repeat, this does not help. Staring at yourself critically does not make you more beautiful. According to Yavanna, you just need to relax and be yourself. It's okay, you can do it.
"Obviously you don't get it. Anxiety is boring. We had no idea humans, in their infinite adaptability, would figure out a way to make it into a fascination. Let's put it this way. It's possible to get a flat tire while you're on a road trip and have that be an interesting experience. Okay, that is creativity. But who would want a flat tire every day just for the fun of it? Or spend your whole life worrying about it? That is the basic state of humanity. You guys are a piece of work."
He suggested that I contact Olooma, one of the Ancients of Days, for additional information. "He's got time to talk to you. He just chills out all the time," Majeston said.
I found Olooma in his usual spot in the 9th dimension, reclining next to his fountain of light surrounded by spectral divas. "Most humans are fitted with a version of the ego that's full of bugs," he said. "Just about everyone is using Version 6.3. That one was a disaster. We're now up to 10.6 and that works a lot better. You should try it out. We've enhanced color sensitivity and music appreciation." He added that the newer, upgraded egos are more sensitive to solar-lunar events and can feel the presence of Jupiter as something besides alcohol.
Yavanna, Queen of the Earth and Giver of Fruits, said that humanity's struggle involved pleasure anxiety. "It's blocking your intelligence," she said. "I actually mean this. It's sad how many of you are proud of how prissy you are, but it's not doing a thing for you, except to keep you in a mental fog." She said she hoped that the temporary respite from the intense astrology of the past two years would give people an opportunity mellow out for a few days.
"Play some music or have sex," she added. "Man, I just don't get it. You people love to waste your time on nothing when you could be consummating creative bliss with every waking hour."
Tracy Delaney, programmer of the Serennu.com
website, discovered that to "cancel" the New Moon, the Moon would station retrograde shortly before the planned conjunction to the Sun. In order to do that, however, the Moon would have to be declared void-of-course from August 2001 through January 2016, "which explains a lot," she said.
Tracy Delaney this week became the first astrologer in history to calculate the Moon going retrograde.
Doing the calculations for the extremely rare lunar retrograde this week, she went through three quarts of vodka, eight pots of coffee, two laptops and a box of stress balls.
"It was ugly, and it took a while" she said, brushing her hair out of her face, "but I sodding figured it out. Actually my daughter Alys did when she made a joke about Black Moon Lilith, and that cracked the formula."
According to The Wall Street Journal
, programmers at Time Cycles Research were furious at the decision because it meant their software would be inaccurate. They responded by stripping all the asteroids out of their newest edition.
At Astrolabe, publishers of Solar Fire, frenzied telephone operators handled hundreds of panicked inquiries from confused customers, many of whom asked if this involved the new 13th sign.
Despite the obvious logic of canceling the Aries New Moon, many Earthly astrologers were confounded by the decision.
"That's gonna be a little weird," said Adonis Moonchild of Goddess Girl astrology in Phoenix, who is a voracious columnist for StarIQ and huge fan of Jeff Jawer. "There hasn't been a lunar retrograde since 11 ice ages ago, but I guess they have to do what they have to do. But I don't think it's a good idea. It was havoc for the trilobites."
Richard Noelle, one of the world's most talented astrologers, said, "This goes to show that horoscope columns are pure garbage."
Astrology Retrograde: Young astrologers group left for Mesopotamia in 2006 and has not been seen or heard from since.
Reached by satellite phone in Mesopotamia, Chris Brennan, who is bravely leading an expedition of thousands of bright young astrologers into the Dark Ages, said that he did not want to interpret the chart until he had calculated the time lords, which would take until August.
Asteroid specialist Martha Lang-Wescott, the wisest astrologer in all of Montana, said, "The gods are perverse. I told you." She then went back to teaching her dog, Cady, how to read.
"What's wrong with a little New Moon in Aries, opposite Saturn? It's just gonna mess up a bunch of other stuff," said David Roell of the Astrology Center
bookstore. "Fiji, Syria, Timor, whatever. If you write a book about it we'll be happy to stock it."
"You're kidding me, right?" said Michael Lutin of Park Avenue.
Psychological astrologers were debating the issue vigorously. Violating the laws of space and time, a special retroactive session was called for UAC 2008, which met in a packed room on Monday. Before an audience stuffed with students of Kepler College, the all-star discussion panel consisted of Liz Green
, Melanie Reinhart, Howard Sasportas, Dane Rudhyar and Dr. Marc Edmund Jones. It was moderated by Isabel Hickey, who presided with a riding crop.
Liz Green makes a statement outside the retroactive UAC 2008 panel on Sunday's canceled Aries New Moon.
Emerging from the meeting, Green inaudibly whispered the following statement: "There are no shortcuts to self-knowledge. Even if the New Moon is canceled, the shadow material represented by retrograde Saturn in Libra must still be addressed."
Later that day, I found Richard Tarnas out in the lobby and asked him what he thought. "Subtracting the Aries New Moon is like the archetype of the empty self. It fits the modern zeitgeist perfectly," he said, adding that he would cover this in his next book, which comes out in 2025. "We're in the midst of quadrature alignment of Uranus and Pluto but it's awfully quiet. It feels like Christmas morning but only the mice are awake," he said.
Jose Arguelles was available for a conversation over peyote buttons spiced with cannabis indica
. "From my new perspective on the Other Side, I can tell you that time has actually run out. You people have already gone over the edge, into the void. That's why everything seems so crazy. Your fragile logic of time has fallen apart. You must step out of time and you'll be happier."
Intergalactic astrologer, modern day shaman and top-secret consultant Philip Sedgwick
noted that the Masters of the Universe who claim to have made this decision had only been in charge for 6,500 years, which suggested a bias toward Judeo-Christian thinking.
"Coyote stole the New Moon," he said in a phone interview Thursday.
"I became concerned when I went into the backyard to check my sundial on the first 90-degree day of the year, and I noticed that it was off kilter. I thought it had to do with the pole displacement due to the quakes. But it seems that time has been reset, not that the New Moon has been canceled."
"I'm even more worried about the New Moon in Taurus a month from now when we have seven planets in Aries counting Eris, of course. According to the Northwest Indians, Raven will steal the Sun. So people will be totally in the dark, as usual."
"That's a good thing," said Emma Langley, a receptionist at the local eye doctor, commenting reluctantly. "I'm a very non-controversial person. I like my life that way, no matter what the Masters of the Universe think."
Yours & truly,
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