October - November 2001

The Mystery of Orgasm

I want to start by acknowledging that there are many people who have never experienced orgasm. Maybe this is you, and you know it. If so, I would remind you that you have, perhaps very nearby, the beauty of your first orgasm to look forward to.

What is orgasm? Is it really possible to describe? Do we even remotely understand what is happening, besides what blood analysis, graphs and dials say?

The dictionary tells us that orgasm is the height or peak of sexual pleasure, but this is a kind of statistical explanation. It is also mostly physiological, and, while surely physical, orgasm is mostly emotional. True, there is a range of physical, emotional and spiritual mixtures possible. While the experience of the body is quite beautiful, the experience of giving the body up is liberating, necessary and deeply pleasurable.

Orgasm is subtle. To orgasm is to let oneself go. To orgasm is to surrender into the feeling of being alive. This can take courage. Courage is a French word that means to have heart.

If we call the personality framework through which we normally relate to the world the ego (the Latin word for "I"), which is a self-concept, to orgasm is to release or give up our structure, if only for a moment. In this moment, we surrender the idea of who we are, and taste another dimension of existence. To orgasm is to move from one sense of reality to another, and to feel the journey.

We live in an uptight world and to do so, we need to live uptightly. We need to hold on, to control our bodies, to control our minds and emotions. We need to control who we are and how we present ourselves. Often we try to control others in the process. As we surrender into orgasm, what we give up is all of that control. Breath, voice, facial expression and body movement all slip outside of our usual grip. Spazzing out, drooling, grunting, are moaning are all allowed. Hopefully, we release the muscles of the pelvic floor, which are generally a painful point of holding on. This is incredibly pleasurable.

In my experience, giving-up of my usual tight grasp on existence that is the deepest pleasure of orgasm.

In normal life, what we experience in orgasm would be very embarrassing. Embarrassment is the experience of shame of losing self-control. In orgasm, we give up that rigidity joyfully and, if we are in a trusting environment, it is profoundly beautiful to be seen, felt and known in our surrender. In giving up our tense minds on a fairly regular basis, with a partner or alone, our lives can become more relaxed and less fearful, and the true beauty of who we are can flow to the surface. Many other qualities of reality can flow forward, particularly creativity and joy. Orgasm heals our hearts, if we allow it to.

In both men and women there is a wide variety of orgasmic experience possible. Many people, while experiencing physical orgasm (in men, ejaculation, and in women, a kind of sudden jolt), do not fully experience much of the much wider emotional or energetic realm of orgasm. This can be learned with practice, as we open to feel and then let go into the waves of feeling and energy coursing through the mind, body and heart.

If we can do this, we can open ourselves to what some call the "spiritual world" -- the formless dimension of reality that is much closer to our soul's origins than the world we know. When you are lost deep in orgasm, notice for a moment the formless beauty of the space you are in. Notice how delightful it feels not to cling. Love yourself for doing this.

I suggest you explore consciously, learning to watch your face in a mirror and make eye contact with yourself as you give up who you thought you were. Try telling yourself that you love you as you look into your eyes and come: come into yourself, or become yourself. If you have a partner, you can explore the feeling of showing your face in your deepest moments, and vocalizing what you feel, no matter how senseless.

Orgasm may still be a mystery, but it will become one with which you are more familiar and comfortable: the mystery of you.

Embarrassment is the experience of shame of losing self-control. In orgasm, we give up that rigidity joyfully and, if we are in a trusting environment, it is profoundly beautiful to be seen, felt and known in our surrender.