October - November 2001
Magical Marriage
Marriage is a magical invocation, but we misuse it and misunderstand
it. Its magic is both alchemical and political, and not inherently
based on love. We can and do create political institutions by
getting married, including the new tax entity known as the joint
return, the shared income and dwelling, various signatory and
legal powers, and invoking things like immigration laws which
allow the bestowing, by an ordinary citizen, of another person
with American residency and eventual citizenship, precious in
all the world, for $25 in 10 minutes.
This is awesome power, power which can help us and create
stability. We usually waste it on fairy tales. We also get caught
in a little problem of the magical invocation: that it creates
a structure of bondage which most people ultimately find to be
extremely confining and not functional in a world which requires
us to be tremendously flexible because so much changes so fast.
Many people also find it extremely appealing to use marriage
or monogamy as a means of conveniently taking ownership or control
of another person, or their assets.
Some do use marriage wisely. When there is love, I am told
that it is a truly beautiful state of existence, though I have
never experienced this within legal marriage because I have not
exercised that particular option. I believe that those who use
their power of marriage or monogamy honestly and well are usually
very realistic people and not wrapped up in Cinderella. Often,
they have learned the hard way, in loveless marriages, where
the hope was that marriage itself would save them.
To my knowledge, my parents never loved one another when I
was growing up. This is true for many people I know, and I do
speak to many people about these matters. Monogamy is often modeled
after marriage. In some cases, these practices are followed by
sincere people who just want to give a relationship the best
chance to work in the long run, so they choose monogamy. This
seems genuine and reasonable. We might say that people many do
want this, but this is clearly not the majority, and the key
is that often it takes many, many attempts to get right -- not
just once. So you could say that learning monogamy is a skill
that requires many people.
Is it not cruel, then, to perpetuate the myth of perfect marriage?
Do we dare say to a little girl, "Maybe you will be happy
in your fifth marriage?" Do they not know we are full of
shit, that we lie to them about life to protect our own fantasies?
To what exactly are we clinging in this denial trip?
Mainly, we are caught in starry myths which are largely sales
pitches designed to lure women into situations that deliver none
of what is promised in the long run, but merely enslave them.
We all know this, that's the not-so-funny part. Men fall for
it too, but most men have the common sense to know they are not
really monogamous. Our cocks do stick out, after all, where we
can SEE them, even if we've cut off feelings to the lower halves
off our bodies. But we keep hoping, hoping that the romantic
spell of the white dress and glass slippers and the magic cake
will take hold.
If we were to practice some form of monogamy, we would need
a different basis for the relationship than we currently have.
But in our culture, we rarely practice monogamy.
There is no such thing as "serial monogamy." It
is in fact serial polyamory. Serial polyamorists seem to pull
moral rank over parallel polyamorists because they want the magical
invocation of "monogamy" to work like kissing the frog,
and because, I think, many fear something on a primal level,
Biblical or something, if they are identified as sinful heathen
polygamists. They fear the culture's reprisal and gossip and
judgment, which is based in religious dogma. But they do the
same thing, just arranged differently, cloaked conveniently in
black and white, and using a formula where the love of one must
be sacrificed for the love of another. This has its roots in
an inner dynamic known as denial. We all know the lonely horny
young bride wants to fuck the hot Fedex guy. But to deal with
this feeling, there is convenient denial. How dare she admit
it! It would break the magic spell of "monogamy." Hey,
she might even fuck him, which is often considered quite fine
if she doesn't say anything to break the spell.
Let's be poetic. Let's say we are at the funeral of a man
who has lived a full life. At the funeral is a book of photos
of women, and on the cover is written, "The Women He Loved."
We could have such a book for most men, and most women, too.
Why would it matter whether he had loved them one at a time,
or several at once (more likely the case, no matter what you
call him), or even many at once? What if they all were at the
funeral, united by grief? Why could not they be united by love,
when he was alive?
In terms of morals, it would only matter whether he had been
honest, and here is the distinction. And this is not just about
men; most women love many men, too. The actual issue is owning
this, and going on loving. (Please consider this, though. At
the funeral of a man who loved many women, can you envision them
grieving honestly together more easily than the many men who
shared love with one woman?)
We are raised to live in relationships that lack emotional
honesty.
Honesty translates to whether we have the ability to tell
anyone the truth about how we feel about anyone else, and, in
reality, ourselves. This translates to whether we can build relationships
in which honesty is acceptable conduct, which are based on a
sense of wholeness. Most people, lacking this sense of wholeness,
do not build relationships in which honesty is possible. And
most people can't bear to hear the truth that anyone might love
anyone else at all, a throwback to something infantile, (as John
Lennon explained) of our parents not needing us the way that
we needed them, so their love for us just doesn't feel like love
in the way that ours does, and we seek people loving and needing
us in the way that our parents never did. I think what we need
is to work for is wholeness. Most of what is practiced as monogamy
is done under the (most righteous possible) banner of wholeness.
And sometimes it works. But there are many ways to that goal,
and it's a lot better if we have a working plan for wholeness
prior to being involved in our relationships.
If we had this wholeness, or even valued it, monogamy, serial
polyamory and parallel polyamory would all work a lot better.
Any form of relationship can help teach us wholeness as long
as that's the objective (as opposed to safety, control, money,
the family [usually = money] the car, the house, etc.). But who
likes to admit they are staying in a loveless marriage because
they like their CAR? To admit this would be to admit that the
myth is dead, or rather, that they are dead.
And we have no cultural myths that lead us to believe that
anything else is possible.
Polyamory, done with integrity, can be a very amazing way
to raise a family because it creates community, stability and
a structure that supports the demands, financial and emotional,
of having a child, unlike "monogamy" in the modern
world, which leaves lots of people single moms with exceedingly
little support. Poly is not synonymous with promiscuousness,
a confusion which leads many people to think it's bad for little
kids. There is usually far more promiscuousness among those who
identify as monogamous than among those who identify as poly.
But who wants to be a hypocrite?
From what I have witnessed and experienced, poly gathers people
around children and is far healthier than, for example, my former
lover (see Abandonment) dumping
me because she was in love with a prior partner while she still
loved me, which she could have expressed with me still in her
life, and in doing so created an appropriate mode of expression
for her feelings for both of us, thus having not trashed our
relationship and my relationship to her son and moreover his
to me). She did this, I believe, because within her framework,
it was only possible to admit to loving one person at
a time. So what do you do when you love more than one but this
is not acceptable? Denial! As a means of allegedly fixing cognitive
dissonance. But this fixes nothing. No magic spell fixes this.
Parallel polyamory is merely a choice not to make relationships
disposable, and therefore to honor them in the long run, in their
many changing forms. It does not (in theory and often in practice)
view partners in such a way that throwing people away or emotional
deception is acceptable behavior.
It is in my experience a choice, granted, a brave one, but
wholeness always takes bravery: to be whole in any moment of
one's life about how one feels, and to deal with the reaction
of the universe second: this takes guts, and awareness, and getting
over a lot of conditioning.
Yet even in a healthy monogamous marriage, if one is just
a regular family guy and loves one's secretary (as opposed to
just fucks her), one TELLS one's wife and is accepted by her
as a whole man for his love of his fellows, and his honesty.
But in most marriages, someone would have to never admit to his
feelings of gratitude, appreciation, love and devotion to a woman
he is with 8 hours a day who makes his whole professional life,
income, sanity, stature in the world, etc., possible, and who
he just adores, besides. And this secretary who lovingly supports
his marriage! Who helps him figure out a good birthday gift for
his wife! If most men admitted to their wife, "I truly love
Mary" (the secretary) most wives would, I imagine, say,
"Well then why don't you be with her?" or "...
be with the bitch" or "...be with the fukkin bitch?"
"Well, she is married too, but we have a really great
and appropriate relationship."
"Well then I don't want to hear about it."
Very nice.
In my version of the fairy tale, true monogamous partners
understand that people love one another, and that life is a web.
We seemed to understand this in the days of the extended family,
the mode of community organization which included monogamous
marriage and many people loving many other people as family in
close proximity. There were adults around to take care of children,
to provide support in the event of unemployment, to confide in
and to love. Now we are isolated, and love is a crime. Now we
have solved the whole problem of community by being terrified
to say hello to one another.
There is a whole worldview possible that is different than
our culture's dominant ideas, which are (demonstrably) suicidal.
The different worldview is that love adds to love, not subtracts
from love. I would say that if you're dealing with some kind
of force that subtracts, somewhere in the equation there is something
other than love. My view is that we need to create new structures
that reflect reality and work in the face of what we actually
need, feel and experience in this life, now.
Why can't we be successfully monogamous, usually?
Our parenting sucked, we have no model for monogamy that works
so we can't learn it, our sex drives are artificially stimulated
and confused by the drug known as marketing culture, we want
everything and everyone, our culture possesses no semblance of
internal reason, people are taught to be at war with themselves,
to lie, to lie to themselves, to judge and hate rather than love,
and ultimately to want what is not true but looks good in the
face of all the insanity we face, including death. Especially
death. We have no sane spiritual framework with which to deal
with death. We need to look at this one because it is responsible
for a lot of chaos, really, all of our chaos.
We might well ask why marriage and funeral rites fall under
the same house and sign (8th and Scorpio). Marriage, on its most
fundamental level, is the choice of someone to die with. It is
the statement, "I could feel good dying in this person's
arms," this most sacred act of surrender.
I have met many such people. And it is a very beautiful thought,
which we can and do practice ritually in erotic exploration when
we orgasm into our partner's consciousness.
But then, consider that the romantic guy who wrecks his motorcycle
just might end up actually dying with me there, with my hands
on him, and not with his true love, as happened one evening in
Manhattan.
Good morning!
e