Ideas are our inner structures and they are very
important because in order not to be trapped in the world of
depression, possession, regression and obsession, we need to
vision our way out. Visioning starts with new ideas. There are
many people -- you may be one of them -- who know that we need
a better way to do love. I think most people know this, but lack
the resources to take very many meaningful steps. Part of what
we are doing in "serial monogamy" (which is really
serial polyamory) is taking a series of steps through which we
go from one person to the next. Each person we go through, and
usually dispose of, represents a phase of growth, and we might
reject a person because we reject how we felt or behaved at the
stage of growth they represent.
Visioning starts with new ideas. There are many
people -- you may be one of them -- who know that we need a better
way to do love than we are currently doing it.
But just because this can be explained does not make it sensible,
and neither is it the easiest, nor the kindest, way to learn.
Far as I can tell, we are conducting a process that involves
projecting inner conflict outward: as blame, as the choice of
inappropriate or incompatible partners, as relationship conflict
that is based purely on inner conflict, and as jealousy which
is based on fear and insecurity that reside within ourselves
and nowhere else. We seem to be fragmented within ourselves,
and have fragmented lives, in which, for example, the people
we love never get to meet one another because we're too scared,
or because we're reminded that we don't feel whole in the presence
of both of them.
To make any progress at all, IMHO, we are going to need to
dedicate our relationships to inner wholeness, which is a call
to be whole and real within those relationships, no matter
what form they take, no matter what form of Queer we happen to
be, and we are all some kind of Queer. No more hiding your
true feelings from the boyfriend. No more pretending to be somebody
you are not to your parents. No more secret friends or secret,
shameful and unspoken desires. No more denying your bisexuality.
And thus, no more suffering and loss of empowerment because we
are living in denial, or living in pieces. Okay, a torrent of
issues may arise in the process, but what are issues for?
Some people ask, "What has physical sex got to do with
any of this?" and my answer is, everything. Life and love
can be going along dandy until physical sex or even discussion
of physical sex enters the picture, or enters the picture in
a new way. Then hell pops. This leads most people to conclude
that sex itself is the problem. I would say that denying sex
is the problem, and that understanding sex is the beginning of
the solution. By sex, I mean erotic sharing in its physical and
full spectrum of emotional expressions. It was after all, sex
that got us into this whole game (life!) to begin with.
Here in America, at least, we know very little about this:
we are raised to be ignorant and to think we are really smart.
This is the worst kind of ignorance. We lack sexual literacy,
or the concept of sexual literacy. We think sex is a performance,
a service, a duty, a form of payment. We think that sex can exist
apart from feelings, as if sex were not entirely made of feelings.
And we view sex as a moral issue. This is so ingrained in our
minds that it's almost impossible to see past. We don't view
sex as a practical matter or a philosophical question or as a
natural pleasure, like eating fruit. Beginning in the Book of
Genesis, sex is evil. The entire Judeo-Christian faith (and
many others) is based on the idea that sex, and particularly
female desire, is evil.
Are we stupid, or what?
Compassion
We have all heard the word compassion. It means to
feel for someone, to softly embrace who they are. When we are
compassionate, we are supportive without interfering, and loving
without meddling. We allow for imperfection.
Compassion is related to two other words, empathy,
which means to take on the feelings of another person, and sympathy,
which is to feel the feelings of another person. They are all
related through one common ancient Greek root, pathos,
which means pain. It is also the root of pathetic, pathology
and pathogen.
And, one other word: passion.
In our language, at its deepest level, we connect passion
with pain. Indeed, passion often involves pain. It sometimes
looks like pain (we don't smile a lot in bed, now do we?)
While this passion-pain connection is all poetic and all, it
would seem that we are probably missing something.
Compersion
Most people have not heard the word compersion, unless you
read Planet Waves or have stumbled across the Compersion
web site (one of my hibernating sites, about to be re-opened
shortly). It is one of those words that belongs in the dictionary
and will eventually get there.
Compersion is delighting in the pleasure of others, and in
the love that people besides yourself share for one another.
We all know what this is, like when we see a mother and child
nursing and, without getting mixed up in their emotions, feel
that sense of appreciation of the good feelings and the beauty
of what we are witnessing.
Compersion is this same feeling, but carried into the world
of loving relationships between equals. It is love where love
creates the open space to feel more love, and in which we do
not deny anyone their feelings. That is, for example, if your
girlfriend greets a prior lover with a passionate kiss, you can
experience not jealusy or rage, but compersion. Appreciation.
Acceptance. Encouragement of their desire. Yes, this takes growth,
but growth makes us more whole.
Compersion can also exist in what some call monogamous relationships
as a mode of respecting friendships outside the relationship,
honoring and taking pleasure in your partner's fantasy life and
masturbation, and by not denying this person's reality.
How do we learn compersion? First, by being honest about jealousy,
desire and pleasure.
In terms of sexual experience, without getting into polyamory,
masturbating with your lover or with a friend is the easiest
way to learn erotic compersion. This is an exercise in appreciating
what our partner feels rather than what we feel; it is about
learning to take someone in and respond to who they are. (I will
be doing a workshop next summer called Compersion Immersion,
based on this idea). The idea is to really pay attention, and
feel, and allow. Practice allowing. If you allow, enormous pleasure
is possible.
Compersion is, however, very important where any third person
enters the consciousness of either party in a one-on-one relationship.
And this happens all the time, on a wide variety of terms, such
as, for example, when we meet someone who merely desires or appreciates
our partner. At that moment, we have two possible options: compersion
or control. One form control can take is denial, stuffing the
feeling. One form that compersion can take is appreciating and
enjoying the fact that someone is feeling your partner's heat
or seeing their beauty. It's okay. It's okay. Enjoy.
Here is one example of compersion that involves three people
who are not romantically involved, borrowed from my article
Fuck
Me Free: An Essay into Compersion, from last February. This
is example #64.
You live in a shared house and your housemate's lover is there.
The walls are a little thin. They disappear into his room, saying
good night and leaving you alone in the living room. You hear
their giggles and moans of pleasure through the walls, wishing
you could be experiencing this, wishing you were there. But you're
not; you're alone, and while you could get jealous, the experience
is too erotic. Instead, you lay on the couch totally nude and
masturbate, surrendering to the beauty of their pleasure, and
your own, not caring if one of them walks out and finds you there.
Compersion is compassion for the love pleasure of other people,
and compassion for your own pleasure and desire. It's really
very simple. Compersion is about surrendering. But it's honest
and it's daring.
I will say this: it took me some practice to get it down.
I did most of my learning during an incredibly rare experience
one summer deep in a forest in New York State. I had a lover
named Sabine, and introduced her to another woman, named Michelle.
I was able to be lovers with both of them together, and was present
most of the time when they were sexual with one another. Guys,
this was not as easy as you might think, because the women got
really deep into one another and, while I was there with them,
I was also on the outside. I was not a woman. I could not experience
the delight of mutual female 69, or the bonding of their friendship,
or the easy way that one flowed into the other.
At times, I boiled. I burned. I cried. I yearned for what
I could not have. I learned to appreciate what I could have,
and what they did share with me: the awesome privilege of being
witness to their love and pleasure. I learned to love the sight
of Sabine's face as she lost herself in the desire, adoration
and sweet moisture of her female lover. I surrendered. I let
go. I learned to present myself honestly in all my confusion,
desire, pain and pleasure. In time, I learned compersion.
I tell you, this skill has done me a lot of good when I have
lost women I loved to other men, sometimes men I wished I could
know and love myself. And it's a lot of fun the rest of the time.
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